'Whatever doesn't work, I'm the only one stupid enough to fall for it again. I can't survive another disappointment.'
My testosterone was normal.
My cardiologist said my blood pressure was managed. My urologist had the next prescription adjustment ready at every appointment for three years.
But I also thought: I can't keep going like this.
So I clicked. Hands shaking. Distinctly certain I was making a mistake.
Day 6, I woke up and something was different. I lay there for a full minute not moving. I checked twice. I didn't know what to do with that. I hadn't expected it.
Week three. Energy through the afternoon for the first time in years. No wall at 2pm.
No dragging through the last hours of the day. Sat at dinner with my wife and she looked at me and said: you seem different. I didn't have a word for different yet.
I just knew something was changing that nothing else had touched.
Twelve weeks. Went back to Dr. Mercer. Blood pressure markers improved. Inflammatory panel down.
And the thing that stopped me: Viagra working more reliably than it had in four years — on the exact same dose I'd been taking the whole time. Dr. Mercer looked at the panel. Then at me. Then at the panel. 'Whatever you're doing — keep doing it.'
It's the small things that get me. Not calculating whether tonight is going to be one of those nights. Not dreading the next appointment. Not managing three separate problems that were always one problem.
I don't know where you are right now. Maybe the same place I was. Maybe you're thinking 'he got lucky, but it won't work for me.'
I thought that too.
97 days ago I clicked that button. Today I'm living like myself again.
Whatever you decide, I'm waiting for you.